mp3: http://broodening.com/electricbroodaloo.mp3

Twilight: The Broodening 3 – Electric Broodaloo!
by Nathaniel Jones
When last we left our heroes in the small town of Forks, Washington, Edward Cullen had just asked Bella Swan to marry him in exchange for turning her into a vampire. Six months later, she’s still there, thinking it over.
“So, you’re saying that if I agree to marry you, you’ll turn me into a vampire?” asked Bella for about the eight billionth time.
“Right.”
“Well then can you turn me into a vampire now, and we can get married later on when I’m ready?I mean, I’ve already told you that I want to become a vampire and love you for all eternity – why do we have to get married first?”
“I’m an old fashioned vampire, and according to the bible, it says you can’t become a vampire until after you’re married.”
“Um… I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing in the bible about premarital becoming-a-vampire.”
“Yeah it is. It’s in… Leviticus or something. Look it up.”
“But being a vampire is eternal. Marriage is just a piece of paper! I mean, it says right in there, ‘till death do us part.’ So if we get married now, and then you kill me to become a vampire, the marriage will be over anyway.”
“That… is a loophole that I HADN’T considered, and WASN’T counting on you not realizing so that I could ditch your right after the wedding. Shifty eyes.” Said Edward, with shifty eyes so obvious that he actually said “shift eyes.”
“Anyway, I’d better get back home. My dad’s probably worried about me. We can talk about this again every ten minutes for the rest of the movie.”
“Deal.”
So Edward took Bella home in yet another new volvo, where her father was waiting to have a heart-to-heart Father-Daughter talk.
“Bella, it’s time for a father daughter talk.”
“Ughhhh, no please.”
“Just hear me out. You’re a growing girl, and beginning to make life choices, and growing, and things. I just wanted to let you know, that, uh, team Jacob.”
“What?”
“Team Jacob.”
“What are you…?”
“Teeeeeam Jaaaacob. Team Jacob. I got you a lunch box.”
“Dad, I already have the Team Edward lunch box.”
“Team Jacob lunch box! Team Jacob book cover. Team Jacob thermos.”
“Dad, Team Edward!”
“You’re a growing girl, and you’ve got – Team Jacob. Hoodie.”
“I’m going to go to school now.”
“Team Jacob!”
What she didn’t tell her father, however, was that the reason she hadn’t been seeing Jacob was because he had not been returning her calls, and she was pretty bummed. The next day at school, she confronted him about it.
“Hey, Bella,” said Jacob, uncomfortable because he’d been wearing a shirt for a full 30 seconds. IN A ROW.
“Hey, Jacob. Why haven’t you been returning my calls?” asked Bella.
“Oh, see, what happened was, I put my phone in my shirt pocket a few months ago, and this is the first time since then I’ve worn one, so… you know how it goes. With my pecs. And my abs. My muscles. Fleeeex.”
“That does sound like something you would do.”
“That and I’m super angry that you’re still spending so much time with Edward. He’s my mortal enemy, and I don’t like his hair. I think you should marry me instead.”
“Teeeeam Jacob!” yelled her Dad, wearing a Team Jacob t-shirt.
“Dad, get out of here. And TAKE THAT SHIRT OFF!”
“One step ahead of ya, howwooooooo!”
“NOT YOU.”
“Bella, it’s time to go – you don’t want to be late for class,” said Edward
“Okay. I’ll see you later, Jacob.”
“Howwooooooooooooooooooo muscles!”
Edward and Bella then walked to their only high school class:.
“Hey, remember us? We’re human people without super powers who don’t really advance the story in any way. Are you excited for graduation? I’m sooo excited. I think I’m going to go get really drunk and then go to junior college.”
“Which one of you is talking right now?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
“Anyway, what are your plans for after graduation?”
“Oh, you know, go to Alaska, go to college, get married, become a vampire… the usual.”
“Right on, right on.”
Meanwhile in Seattle, dark events were afoot. A mysterious new gang of vampires had appeared, causing a string of unexplained disappearances.
“Our son is missing, can you find him?”
“Well considering he went missing in Seattle and I’m a cop in a small town four hours from there, probably not.”
“Oh dear – and we thought Seattle would be so much safer than Sunnydale.”
“I wonder what’s going on in there?” asked Bella from outside the window.
“Probably something not at all vampire related, I’d bet,” said Edward
“Oh, hello Bella and Edward. What’s going on?”
“We’re going to Florida together for the weekend.”
“Awwww, but come on, Bella! Team Jacob!”
“We’re just going to visit Mom.”
“I don’t believe you. I think you’re gonna go have sex or something.”
“Dad, I’ve been trying to get this guy into bed for two years now – it’s not going to happen.”
“I don’t know about that… Are you sure you’re not going to have sex?”
“I promise. I’m only trying to get her out of town because there’s a hot redhead vampire in town trying to kill her.”
“So… so, no sex then?”
“No sex.”
“Okay, have a good trip, then.”

While Bella and Edward were in Florida, the Vampire Justice League got together to fight Victoria, who was back in forks to kill Bella as revenge for the death of her vampire boyfriend, James.
When Victoria arrived, rather than fighting, there was really more of an epic vampire version of ‘tag,’ until she jumped over a stream and onto the land of the werewolves, where the Cullens are not allowed. So Victoria escaped to be evil another day.
When Bella and Edward returned, the Vampire Super Friends got together again to talk about these new events.
“Okay, so there’s this new army of vampires in Seattle, and there’s nothing in the batcomputer to tell us who they are or what they want.”
“I think they’re trying to kill Bella.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because it’s Twilight – everybody is trying to kill Bella all the time.”
“That’s right – I know I am.”
“Me too.”
“Death to all humans!”
“Right. So what should we do?”
“Let’s fight them?”
“That’s no good – they’re a whole army of vampires, and we’re just one family. And since they’re new, they’re extra strong. The only way to defeat them is to join forces with our enemies, the werewolves. We might all die, but it’s worth it to do whatever it takes to save Bella.”
“Why is that worth it?”
“Because it’s Twilight, and everyone is willing to die to save some high school girl, all the time.”
“I know I am.”
“Me too.”
“Death to anyone who isn’t Bella!”
“Right. So what should we do?”
“We’ll need to get ready for battle, so for now, Bella will have to stay with the wolves. They will protect her.”

Although Edward was frowning at the idea of Bella staying with Jacob, he let her go. Jacob, meanwhile, took the opportunity to let Bella know the ancient secrets of the wolf tribe.
“Long, long ago, our tribe was full of magical people with werewolf powers, who used our abilities to survive and protect ourselves in these lands. We were a peaceful tribe, who lived as one with the Earth.

But one day we saw a strange man with long hair and crazy clothes. Just look at that hair and those crazy clothes! That’s not the right way for a man to dress! That’s unacceptable. And, he was also really cold, and his skin was as hard as stone. So we killed him.”
“Wait – how did you know he was cold and hard unless you touched him?”

“We noticed the cold and the hard as soon as we started killing him.”

“So up to that point you were just killing him because of his hair?”

“And his clothes. Don’t forget the clothes! Our tribe was pretty strict about our fashion police duties. Anyway, turned out this guy was a vampire, and from then on, we’ve been mortal enemies.”

“So really, you started this whole war by killing some random vampire?”

“No, he started it with his outfit.”

“Right.”
“And hair!”
As the days passed and the battle neared, Edward and Jacob took turns protecting Bella, and continuing to work on their sales pitches on why she should choose them.
“Team Edward.”
“Team Jacob.”
“Team Edward.”
“Team Jacob.”
“Team Edward.”
“Team Jac-abs. See what I did there? I said abs instead -”
“Yeah, I got it.”
“Team Edward.”
“Team Jacob!”
“Dad, get out of here!”
“Team Edward!”
“Team Jacob.”
“Team Edward.”
“Team awkward human boy!”
“Out.”
“Team Edward!”
“Team Pecks-abs!”
“Team Buffy!”
Finally, graduation came, and it was time for Bella to decide once and for all who she would marry, because high school graduation is always the best time to decide major life decisions.
“Edward, I’ve decided that I’ll marry you. But please don’t tell Jacob until after the battle.”
“Aww, but I want to rub it in his face!”
“No, you can still laugh at his pain, just wait until after the battle!”
“Fine.”
The time had for battle had come, so the wolves and the vampires got together, along with the zombies, swamp things, mummies, frankensteins, and assorted other movie monsters to face the vampire army from Seattle.
“Okay, gang, gather around – remember – these are new vampires, and so are super tough, so it’s going to take all our strength to defeat them. Now, we all know how to kill a vampire, right?”
“Stake through the heart!”
“No.”
“Expose them to direct sunlight!”
“Wrong.”
“Throw holy water on them!”
“False.”
“Silver bullet!”
“Nope.”
“Destroy the brain!”
“No.”
“A cross!”
“No sir.”
“Feed them garlic!”
“Why would… no! Come on! As everyone knows, the only way to kill a vampire is to chop them up into individual pieces and then burn them in a pile. Also, if a vampire headbutts another vampire, then their head will shatter like it’s made of glass, any questions? No? Good. Let’s get to work.”

To protect Bella, she cut her finger and spread her blood on all the trees in the area, to draw the vampires attention.
“Ya know, it’s already been well established that I can’t lose a single drop of blood without all the vampires instantly trying to kill me, but here I am throwing my blood all over the place, and nobody’s even reacting. What gives?”

“You see, there is a logical explanation for that.”

“Okay, good to know. Thanks for clearing that up, then.”
With that settled, Bella, Edward, and Jacob went up to a snowy mountain, far away from the battle grounds, where they camped out for the night. Unfortunately, since Bella has no super powers, she nearly froze to death, until Jacob saved her with his hotness.
“So, this is awkward.”
“Yup.”

At last, it was time for the battle.
“It’s time for the battle. And once this is over we can finally be married.”
“Married, what?” said a surprised Jacob behind them.
“Jacob, what are you doing here?”
“I was just, you know, walking around a freezing cold mountain covered in snow without a shirt on, no biggie. That’s not the point – you’re marrying him? Have you seen my abs? Think of the things you could do with these abs – do some laundery. Grate some cheese…”
“Jacob, stop – I love you, but I love Edward, too.”
“That’s not enough.”
“I love you a really lot.”
“Not enough.”
“With ice cream and a cherry on top.”
“That sounds delicious, but it’s still not enough.”
“Fine, kiss me.”
“What?”
“Kiss me!”
“Don’t have to tell me twice!”
“Well, I just did, so mmmfph.”
“What was up with all the kissing there, huh?”
“I just had to kiss him so that he’d be like me enough to die for me in battle. I’m still marrying you.”
“Ha ha, I rule.”
Meanwhile, the epic battle was going on, and it was super. But Victoria and new Seattle vampire guy were able to track Bella up to the snowy camp.
“Prepare to die, Bella. Vampire guy, attack!”
“Don’t attack – she’s just using you!
“Don’t listen to them – I told you they have mind powers.”
“That’s right, I can read her mind, so I know that she doesn’t even like you!”
“That’s not true – you’re my one true love. Now attack!”
“After this fight, she’s going to toss you aside. And she thinks you have fish lips.”
“That’s a lie! But, yeah on the fish lips thing.”
“I don’t have fish lips!”
“Weeeell…. Don’t worry about that now – attack!”

And then fish lips attacked, but was stopped by Jacob, who bit his hand, causing it to explode as if it were made of glass. Look, just because it’s never happened in any other vampire movies, including the other Twilight ones, doesn’t mean that it’s not totally plausible now, so just shoosh.

Jacob and Edward fought Victoria and Fish Lips, but they were no match for them, and it looked like they were going to both be killed, when Bella sliced her arm, and her blood distracted the two vampires long enough that Edward and Jacob could kill them. Yet Edward was still not interested in all this gushing blood, because zib zib zowie woowy wooooo.
Edward, Bella and Jacob returned down to the battle field, where the vampires and wolves were finishing burning the rest of the evil vampires, when suddenly the volturi arrived.
“So, you still haven’t turned Bella into a vampire.”
“Nope.”
“You have been warned. The volturi does not give second chances.”
“So you’re going to kill us now?”
“No. I’m just going to say that be sure that we don’t catch her not being a vampire again, or you’ll have consequences.”
“So how exactly is this not a second chance?”
Then the volturi said “look over there!” and ran away.
Safe at last, Edward and Bella returned to their favorite little flowery spot, and gazed lovingly at each other, and lived happily ever after, until the next and final chapter in this series, Twilight 4: Broodening Dawn

Also on Newgrounds: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/524148

Twilight 2: Broodening Harder
by Nathaniel Jones
It was a new year in the ever-grey town of Forks, Washington, and Bella Swan was having her 18th birthday, which makes it legal but still creepy for her to date a hundred and nine year old man.
To celebrate the occasion, all of her vampire friends got together to throw her a party.
“Yay, Bella, it’s your birthday. We all got your presents.”
“Except for me. I didn’t get you a present because you said you didn’t want any.”
“You’re a hundred and nine years, and you haven’t figured out that when a girl says she doesn’t want a present, that means she wants a really good present?”
“Taking a hint isn’t one of my vampire powers.”
“Never mind that now – I want to open my presents.”
As Bella unwrapped her first gift, tragedy struck – a small paper cut, which caused a single drop of blood to fall to the floor. All of the vampires turned to stare at it, driven wild by the smell of fresh human blood.

The temptation proved too great for Jasper’s vampire appetite, and he lunged for the miniscule wound, but before he could reach her, Edward used his super speed and super strength to protect Bella by hurling her onto a table full of razor blades, knives, and broken glass, which very helpfully caused her to bleed so much that everyone in the room suddenly want to kill her even more.
“You know, now that I think about it, I may have just made things worse?” Mused Edward plaintively.
But luckily, none of the vampires did end up killing her, because of reasons. And then the vampire that is a doctor stitched her up and she was good-as-new, but she and Edward left to avoid the awkward silence that always follows whenever party guests go crazy and try to eat the birthday girl.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get you a present.”
“It’s okay – I didn’t want that kind of present anyway. What I really want for my birthday is for you to turn me into a vampire so that we can be together forever.”
“Bella, I’ve already explained to you how awesome it is to be a vampire. Did I say ‘awesome?’ I meant to say terrible. It’s super terrible. The super terriblest of all things. It’s like, how much more terrible could it be? And the answer is none. None more terrible.”
“I know, but I’m already 18 – I’m practically an old maid. You need to make me a vampire, or we can’t stay together. And I’d rather die than not stay together, so if I’m going to die anyway, might as well kill me and make me a vampire, right? I mean, that’s just logic, right there.”
“I don’t want to live without you, either – if I thought I’d have to live in a world without you, I’d go to the royal family of vampires and have them kill me, because that’s the only way for a vampire to die.”
“No it’s – anyway, if you can’t stand to live without me, and I can’t stand to live without you, why don’t you just make me a vampire already?”
“I don’t remember. But no. Next topic: did you notice my new Volvo?”
“Argh.”

The next day, Bella and Edward went out to the woods, where Bella planned on continuing to whine about how much she wants to die and be a vampire, but before she could start, Edward made a Very Surprising Announcement:

“Bella, I’ve been thinking about what happened the other day, and I realized that it’s far too dangerous for us to be together. That, and people are starting to question how we all look like we’re in our twenties, but our IDs say we were born in the 1930s. So our whole family is leaving town, never to return again, until we do.”
“Wait – let me come with you!”
“No, Bella, you don’t belong with our kind. You belong with other humans. Go home, Bella.”
“No, Edward, I can’t! I can’t live without you!”
“Get out of here! Can’t you see we don’t want you anymore? Why don’t you go back where you came from? Leave us alone! Go! Go! “
“Why are you doing this? How can you leave me here, unprotected?”
“Don’t worry – I’ll still watch over you. Whenever you’re in danger, I’ll come back in the form of an Obi-Wan Kenobi style ghost!”
“So you’re saying that if I want to see you again, all I have to do is put myself into dangerous and life-threatening situations?”
“Yeah – I mean, no. Wait. Dangit, I just made things worse again, didn’t I?”
With that, Edward disappeared, and Bella, heartbroken, returned home and was even-more-emo-than-usual. Her dad was concerned.
“Bella, are you okay? You just sat in your chair without moving for four months.” He asked, fatherly.
“Ugh, dad, it was dramatic symbolism!” said Bella, striking a dramatically symbolic pose that she hoped would make him say that he now understands the depth of her sorrow, and sees now how Edward Cullen is a super-hunk, and that he will now buy all of his posters and life-size cardboard cutouts to decorate the den. But it didn’t.
“I think it’s time you got out of the house.”
“I am getting out of the house – I’m going shopping tonight as a girls night out,” and that is exactly what she did. If by ‘shopping’ you mean ‘find a Rowdy Biker Gang, and go for a crazy death ride – WITHOUT A HELMET, WHAT!’
Just as he had promised, a misty-floaty Edward Cullen appeared.
“Bella, stop – don’t do anything crazy.”
“Like hang around with vampires who have to use all their willpower to keep from constantly killing and eating me?”
“…Good point. But come on – at least we’re hot. You really want to die with this biker guy?”
“Good point. Let me off, creepy biker guy.”
“Okay.”

Safe again, Bella decided that if she was going to die on a motorcycle, she’d at least find somebody hot to die with, so she went to visit her old friend, Jacob the wolf boy.
“Hey, Bella. Listen, uh, now that you don’t have a vampire boyfriend, I was just wondering, um, what do you feel about werewolves?”
“First of all, I still have a vampire boyfriend – Edward will come back for me. Secondly, as far as werewolves go, I’m not into hairy guys.”
“Oh, werewolves are only hairy in wolf form – check this out. (takes off shirt) Pose. Pose. Flex flex pose.”
“Jacob, are you telling me you’re a werewolf?”
“Of course not, wink. ”
“Did you say ‘wink?’”
“Not at all, wink wink. Uh oh, my cell phone is ringing (“Hungry Like The Wolf”) hint hint hint hint hint”
“Yeah, I got it already.”
“No shirt!”
To make matters even more complicated, with Edward out of the picture, even human boys were making the moves on Bella.
“Hey, Bella, remember me? I’m a human boy. I was wondering if you want to go see a movie this weekend?”
“I dunno – what sorts of super powers do you have?”
“Super powers?”
“Yeah – super strength, super speed, shape-shifting…”
“I’m awkward… and tall.”
“Can I can bring my werewolf boyfriend?”
“Wait – you have a boyfriend?”
“I guess – not really. We’re listed on facebook as ‘its complicated.’”
“Oh. I guess that’s okay… I’ll see you at the movie. Wait, did you say werewolf?”
“I don’t think so.”

So Bella, Jacob, and whatever that other guy’s name is went to see Face Punch, a movie so violent that human boy had to leave in the middle to puke. And he thinks he can compete with a werewolf and a vampire? That’s cute.

While they waited for him to finish getting sick like a little girl, Jacob told Bella how he really felt.

“I have feelings, and they’re big, and they’re for you. And I promise I’ll never push you away like Edward did. I love you.”
“Don’t say that, you’ll ruin everything. But please leave, either. I know it’s not fair to you, but when I’m with you, I hurt less.”
“Did you say ‘shirtless?’”
“No. No, I didn’t.”
“Flex flex flex, flex flex flex, flex flex flex my pecs pecs pecs.”
“Put your shirt back on.”
“No.”
And then human boy came in and made things even more awkward, just like he promised.
“Hey guys, sorry about getting sick in there.” Said human boy, and then for some reason Jacob flipped out with wolf rage.
“Do you want to go to the hospital? Because if you do, I can put you there. Roar!”
“What’s wrong with you Jacob? Is it the full moon?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Because you’re a werewolf, and the full moon transforms you into wolf form?”
“Why would the full moon turn me into a wolf? No no, I turn into a wolf when I get angry.”
“That’s not a werewolf, that’s The Incredible Hulk.”
“Hulk and werewolves. Duh.”
“So the full moon doesn’t have any effect on you?”
“Not quite – on nights of the full moon, I turn sparkly like a diamond.”
“Somebody kill me already.”
“No, you’ve got to live.” – Ghost Edward
“FIGURE OF SPEECH!”
“Listen, Bella – these wolf powers of mine are becoming too strong, and I can’t control them forever. If you ever made me mad, I could kill you, and if I did that, I’d probably rip my shirt off with emotions, like this: raw, no shirt.”
“Jacob, I was just starting to fall in love with you – you said you’d never push me away!”
“I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of how awesome my abs are.”

Sad and lonely once again, Bella returned to her habit of risking her life in order to see misty Edward visions. This time, she went up to a cliff where she had seen some other wolfboys cliffdiving, and plunged into the icy waters below. Unfortunately for her, she does not have super-human strength, and so the waves proved too much for her, and she drowned beneath the waves, and was smashed against the rocks, and also another evil vampire attacked her underwater, but then Jacob saved her. So, that was pretty lucky.

Once she was safe and dry again, Jacob drove her home (in her own truck, since Jacob doesn’t own a Volvo), where they were surprised to see the Cullen’s car out front, and Alice Cullen inside.

“Alice, what are you doing here? Is Edward here?” asked Bella, excited.
“No,” Alice explained, “Edward found out about your cliff diving stunt, but thinks you died! Now he’s gone to Italy to commit suicide.”
“Can you use your vampire psychic mind powers to let him know I’m alive?”
“No. And we can’t call his cell phone, because the international rates are outrageous. We’ll have to fly to Italy, steal a sweet sportscar, drive to the palace, race through crowds of snuggie-wearing Italians and hope we find Edward before noon, when he’ll step into the sun, and everyone will see his twinkly vampire skin.”
“Dude, I was already sold on being a vampire when I thought you had to stay in Forks. You can do all that other adventure stuff to?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. I mean – awful, you’d hate it. Sooo bad, man, I hate it, ughhhh, I hate it so much. It’s so bad. Not… not good. Not good. Nosir.”
“Enough – let’s get to Italy to save my boyfriend!”
With the clock ticking down, Bella and Alice flew, drove, and ran as fast as they could through the streets of Volterra. As they raced, Edward slowly unbuttoned his shirt, and as the clock began to chime twelve, Edward stepped through the door into the blazing Italian sun. Just as the crowd began to turn and notice him, Bella thew him back into the shadows, and kissed him passionately. Awwwww.
But, the damage had been done, and the King of the Vampires demanded that they be brought before him. Together, Edward and Bella journeyed below the city into the ancient palace of the vampires, where the Volturi waited for them.

“Eeeee, Edward Cullen. And this is Bella Swan, the human who knows about vampires. Eeeeee. And you’re unaffected by all of our vampire powers, too? Eeeee.”
“Yeah, I think vampires are super awesome. And I’m totally on Team Edward.”
“Eeeeeven so! We can’t allow a human to know about our existence, so you’ll have to be killed. Either that, or become a vampire and be with the one you love for all of time, never aging, have super-human speed and strength, getting to live in a sweet mansion, flying jets and stealing sports cars, and all your wildest dreams will come true. Make your decision – painful death, or endless life of adventures and fun.”
“It’s awful – sooo bad.”
“Shoosh. I’ve made my decision – I’ll become a vampire.”
“Oh! Well, in that case you’re free to go. Good day. Eeeeee!”
And so, Bella and the Cullens returned to Forks, ready to turn Bella into a vampire. But before they did, Bella and Edward went into the woods for another Important Talk.
“Edward, why did you say those mean things to me in the woods before you left?”
“I had to say it so that you wouldn’t follow us. I thought I was doing what was best for you. And it worked in ‘Harry and the Hendersons.’”
“So you really do love me?”
“Of course I do, Bella. I’d rather die than live without you.”
“So come on and turn me into a vampire already, gosh.”
“Okay – I’ll turn you into a vampire. But I have one condition.”
“What is it?”
“Marry me.”
“Whoah – whoah. Whoah. I just want to spend eternity with you – marriage? Don’t you think that’s a bit much?”
“That’s my offer – take it or leave it.”
“Can I have some time to think it over?”
“Yes – you have until the next movie comes out.”
“Cooool.”

What will Bella decide? Will she marry Edward and become a vampire? Will she marry Jacob and raise a liter of wolf babies? Will Jacob keep his shirt on for five minutes already? To find out, tune in next time, in
TwilightThe Broodening 3: Electric Brood-a-loo!

Nathaniel Jones reads some scary stories, and some not-so-scary stories, that he found online. Over an hour of TERROR, in mp3 form.

1. Tailypo
2. Cabin Fever
3. Cold as Clay
4. Not in My Neighborhood
5. Ghostbusters Fanfiction
6. Dance With the Devil
7. The Headless Ghost
8. Ten Holes
9. The Woods
10. Missing Cell Phone
11. You Can’t Get Out
12. Midnight Scare
13. The Cry
14. Ghastly

SOOKIE
You saved my life!
BILL
Not yet – you’re going to die unless you drink my blood.
SOOKIE
What? That’ll make me a vampire!
BILL
No – when a human drinks vampire blood, they gain the vampire’s ability to heal all wounds instantly, plus it increases their senses and powers, and makes their sex drives go wild.
SOOKIE
Why would it change my sex drive?
BILL
More likely to see boobs and asses that way.
SOOKIE
Fair ‘nough. Gimme. Wow, that stuff really works. If vampires donated blood the same way humans do, you could save so many lives…
BILL
Yeah, but we don’t do that.
SOOKIE
Or you could sell it instead of donating it – even if you just sold a few ounces a month, you could be crazy rich!
BILL
Yeah… I don’t do that either, for some reason.
SOOKIE
Oh…
JASON
Hey random girl, I thought I killed another random girl, but turns out I didn’t – can I see your boobs and or ass?
GIRL
Okay.
SOOKIE
I just realized – I can’t read your mind.
BILL
Can you usually read minds?
SOOKIE
Yeah – it’s really hard to try to ignore all these thoughts people are having around me, but with you I don’t have to.
BILL
I have a mind trick, too – you are now under my spell.
SOOKIE
Nothing. Wow – neither of our mind tricks work on each other – maybe it’s destiny.
BILL
Can I call on you sometime?
SOOKIE
Does ‘call on’ mean ‘sleep with?’
BILL
Most likely.
SOOKIE
Yes please.
At trailer
SOOKIE (CONT’D)
Wow, sad thing about this tornado, huh.
COP
Tornado named “Vampire.”
SOOKIE
You think one man could have done this?
COP
Of course – everyone knows that vampires have super powers. It’s common knowledge, just like how they sparkle like a diamond when the sun hits them.
SOOKIE
What?
NEWS
In other news tonight, a freak car accident took the life of a notorious vampire hater and his family. 7 Other people were killed in what experts say happened because of something entirely not vampire related.
SOOKIE
… something entirely not vampire related named “Vampire.”
SOOKIE (CONT’D)
Hey Bill –
BAD VAMPIRE
I’m not Bill, I’m a BAD vampire, and I’m going to kill you. It’s a cliff-hanger, LOL.